Raccoons
Part of my job at the state fish and wildlife department is to lend equipment to residents for trapping and relocating raccoons. A man who had been successful at capturing one of the animals called to ask whether raccoons mated for life. He said his daughter was worried that they might have separated a monogamous couple.
"I don't know why she's so concerned," he added. "She's been married three times."
浣熊
我在州政府魚類和野生動物部門工作時，負責向居民們出借捕浣熊的裝備。一個人捕獲了一只獵物，他打電話來詢問浣熊是否終生只有一個伴侶。他說他的女兒擔心他們可能拆散了一對終生伴侶。
“我不知道她為什么這么關(guān)心這事，”他補充說，“她自己已經(jīng)結(jié)過三次婚了。”
Did You Know Him?
At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
"I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"
"Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."
你認識他嗎？
在朋友家的一次宴會上，主人提起一位高中時的校友。一位客人問他讀書期間，某位副校長是否也在職。
“當然了，”主人答道。“他是我見過的最大的混蛋。你也認識他嗎？”
“有點認識，”客人回答。“我媽媽上周六嫁給了他。”
The World's Greatest Swordsman
At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."
世界上最偉大的擊劍手
在一場世界最佳擊劍手表演中，排名第三的擊劍手上場了。一只蒼蠅放了出來，劍劃了一個弧，他將蒼蠅劈成了兩半。觀眾歡呼起來。緊接著排名第二的人將一只蒼蠅切成了四半。現(xiàn)場一陣沉默，人們期盼著世界上最偉大的擊劍手出場。
他的劍鋒以一個巨大的弧線劃了下來－－然而那只昆蟲還在繼續(xù)飛行!觀眾被驚呆了。最偉大的擊劍手完全錯過了他的目標，然而他還在微笑著。
“你為什么這么高興？”有人嚷道，“你沒擊中!”
“啊，”劍手答道，“你剛才沒有很仔細地看。蒼蠅還活著，是的－－但他永遠也做不成爸爸了。”
A Mistake
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" asked a medic.
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
搞錯了
一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解釋說是搞錯了。“每人給我五百美元，”他說，“我將把你們送回人間，就象什么都沒有發(fā)生過一樣。”
“成交!”美國人說。立刻，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己毫不損傷地站在現(xiàn)場附近。
“其他人在哪兒？”一名醫(yī)生問道。
“我離開之前，”那名美國人說，“我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應(yīng)該由他的政府來出這筆錢。”
Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
偉大的獵手Jonesie
有個小村莊正為一只吃人的獅子而煩惱。于是，村長派人去請偉大的獵手Jonesie來殺死這只野獸。
獵手躺著等了幾個晚上，但獅子一直沒有出現(xiàn)。最后，他要求村長殺只羊然后把頭皮給他。把羊皮披在身上后，獵人到草原上去等獅子。
半夜，村民被從草原傳來的聲嘶力竭的尖叫聲驚醒。他們小心地靠近后，看到獵手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。沒有獅子出沒的蛛絲馬跡。
“Jonesie，怎么了？獅子在哪？”村長問。
“哪有獅子！”獵人怒吼道，“哪個傻瓜把公牛放出來了？” |