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發布時間：2010-08-07
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英語幽默小短文
Wake up! Wake up! It's time for sleeping pills!
醒來！醒來！現在該吃安眠藥了！
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
教進化論的老師已經滔滔不絕地講了快兩個小時，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進化論者提個問題——如果我們曾經像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現在尾巴到哪里去了？”
“我來試試看，”一位老太太說。
“該是我們在這里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧。”
Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
瘋人院
一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說："我是拿破侖！"另一個說："你怎么知道？"第一個人說："上帝對我說的！"一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來："我沒說！"
Improvement
One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?"
"Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
進步
一位學生對另一位說：“你的英語最近學的怎么樣？”
“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現在是英國人不懂我的話了。”
Half or Five Tenths?
Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?
Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.
Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.
Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.
半個還是十分之五
老師：你愿意要半個柑橘，還是十分之五個柑橘？
杰拉得：我寧可要半個。
老師：仔細想想，說出理由來。
杰拉得：因為你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就損失太多了。
The Reason of Being Late
Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.
遲到的原因
老 師：約翰尼，為什么你每天早晨都遲到？
約翰尼：每當我經過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學校－緩行’。
When Do People Talk Least?
Student A: When do people talk least?
Student B: In February.
Student A: Why?
Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.
人們什么時候說話最少？
學生甲：人們在什么時候說話最少？
學生乙：在二月。
學生甲：為什么呢？
學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。
The plural Form of "Child"
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.
"孩子"的復數形式
老師：湯姆，‘男人’這個詞的復數形式是什么？
湯姆：男人們。
老師：答得好。那‘孩子’的復數形式呢？
湯姆：雙胞胎。
All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"
"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."
除了音樂
一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎？”
“噢，好極了，小姐，” 薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好。”
My Sister's Fingers
Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?
Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.
Teacher: I don't see any bandages.
Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.
我妹妹的手指頭
老師：凱溫，這次你怎么又遲到了？
凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。
老師：怎么沒有扎繃帶呀？
凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。
The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
新西蘭的氣候
老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣？
馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。
老師：錯了。
馬修：可是，先生！從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。
Lightning
Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice?
Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more!
閃電
老師：為什么說閃電從來不會兩次擊中同一個地方？
羅伊：因為它擊中一個地方一次以后，那個地方就不存在了。
Who Discovered Australia?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.
Johnny: It's there, sir.
Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
Sammy: Johnny, sir.
誰發現了澳大利亞？
老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。
約翰尼：先生，在這兒。
老師：對了。薩默，你來回答我是誰發現了澳大利亞？
薩默：先生，是約翰尼。
Essay
Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."
作文
老師給學生出了個作文題：“一場板球賽”。兩分鐘后，西蒙。斯蒂爾交了作文，老師允許他回家了。他在作文上寫道：“下雨，比賽終止。”
How Many Rabbits?
Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?
Jonathan: Nine, sir.
Teacher: Nine?
Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.
多少只兔子？
老師：好，喬納森，假如我給你三只兔子，第二天我又給你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？
喬納森：一共有九只，先生。
老師：九只？
喬納森：先生，我本來就有一只。
To Go to Heaven
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home.
去天堂
主日學校的教員：想去天堂的人舉起手來，把手舉起來。。。你呢，哈里？你還沒舉手呢-- 你不想去天堂嗎？
哈里： 我去不了，因為媽媽讓我一放學就回家。
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